Stop Saying Yes to Sex You Don't Want
Updated: May 2, 2022
Do you feel like your partner/spouse “hounds” you for sex or you are never in the mood?
Is it easier just to “give in” than tell them how you feel...again?
Maybe saying yes is easier than having to deal with guilt or negative behavior from your partner after turning them down. Maybe they withdraw or withhold all intimacy...so you go along with it...begrudgingly.
You’re playing with fire. The resentment will build and grow, and you will want sex less and less. (Yes, it’s possible to want sex even LESS than you do right now.)
Think about what will your relationship look like next year, in a few years, if this pattern continues. Are you going to give in forever, even when it doesn’t satisfy you?
When are YOU going to be fulfilled?
Our marriages and relationships suffer because we don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge what brings us pleasure out of shame and guilt.
I want to help simplify the process of honestly telling your partner what you want and need.
Three Steps to More Authentic Communication:
1. Know What You Want - Ultimately Your Pleasure Is Your Responsibility!
If you were forbidden by shame to touch yourself as a young person, now’s the time! Get to know your body. Touch it, feel it, and (begin to) understand what brings you authentic pleasure. Release the shame of pleasure.
Your partner isn’t a mind reader and if you don’t tell them what you like, you can’t blame them for getting it wrong. You need to speak up without guilt! They will NEVER know if you don’t tell them.
Keep judgement out of the bedroom! Sex doesn’t look like porn any more that NASA resembles Star Wars! If you compare what feels good to what you see on a screen, you will be forlorn.
2. Know What You Don’t Want - Stay Mindful Of the Sensations in Your Body and Listen When Something Doesn’t Feel Right!
Stay honest with your partner about trauma that keeps you from embracing certain situations. Remember that being in a relationship with someone, does NOT obligate you to doing something that you don’t want to do! If you haven’t heard of F.R.I.E.S., keep it in mind. Consent is: Frequently given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.
While discomfort may be tantalizing in some forms, if sex hurts, you won’t want it! Lube is great, reject the notion that lube discredits sex or you are somehow failing if you aren’t producing as much natural lubricant as you want. On the other hand, always be mindful of whether you are, in fact, turned on and if you actually *want* sex. Also, if there are other medical issues that make sex painful (arthritis, vaginismus, endometriosis, STIs), make sure to discuss this with your partner. They should want you to enjoy sex as much as they are, right?
Don’t be swayed by porn and marketing; it (probably) wasn’t created for your pleasure. Mainstream porn is geared to empowering heteronormative men. If you enjoy degradation, I am not trying to stand in your way, but if a sex act feels awkward, SAY SO! If you don’t like semen ejaculated on your face, SPEAK UP! If your partner was raised to think that porn is the gold standard of sex, they could be surprised to learn that without proper time and preparation, anal sex is quite uncomfortable! If you don’t want to do something, you don’t have to!
3. Remember That Compromise Works Both Ways - Stay Curious!
If your partner is always the one who initiates new ideas, try bringing some to the table yourself. You both may enjoy the opportunity to explore.
Not every sex act will be fantastic (again, life does not usually mimic “art”). Allow for some flops, but be honest about what works and what doesn't!
When you’re in a long term relationship, both you and your partner will grow and change along the way. Your partner may have lots of ideas that they want to explore and try and you might as well! It’s not always a one way street. Neither of you need to be set in your ways forever. Allow for changes when it serves you both.
Sex opens you open to vulnerability. Acknowledging your comfort zone establishes boundaries, but they are better accepted when transparent.
I hope these three steps to more authentic communication help.
By the way, if you’d like to go deeper (pun intended), I invite you to schedule a coaching call with me! It's FREE and will only take about 20 minutes.