Sex Is Like the Gym: Understanding Spontaneous and Responsive Arousal

Sex is like the gym. Do I sound crazy? I'm a Board Certified Sex Coach and Sexologist, but I'm also a personal trainer and group fitness expert with almost two decades of experience seeing the personal struggles of my clients and participants. Hear me out.

What We Get Wrong About Desire

The first connection you might make with the title of this article is, when it comes to the gym, exercise, and sex, you either love it or you hate it. But there is some nuance I’d like you to consider. That nuance lies in what’s known as the spectrum of arousal styles.

When it comes to arousal, there are two main types: spontaneous and responsive. Okay, back to the gym analogy (btw, I know it’s a simile for all you language nerds). Spontaneous sexual arousal style is like those people who go to the gym every day. You often find them in the free weight section. They live to lift. Working out is something that they consider one of their favorite activities. When they don’t lift, they are cranky and out of sorts. Their whole day is scheduled around their precious gym time and it’s ruined if they can’t get there.

The Two Arousal Styles

The other type of person who goes to the gym is similar to the responsive arousal style. They fret over every part of it. They think about the class that they've enrolled in with trepidation, and they stress out all the way to the gym or studio. They're worried about the clothes that they're wearing, or if they're going to get the moves wrong. They might even stress over insignificant details, like how their clothes look or the water bottle that they're bringing. These types of people stress the entire way to the gym. Sometimes they find excuses to not go at the last minute. But once they get to their class and they begin to move their body, and they start to sweat and feel the music, and experience the exertion of the workout, they love it! They remember why they enrolled and rarely regret the effort it took to arrive.

Both people leave the gym, sweaty, spent, and smiling. Sex is just like the gym, responsive and spontaneous.

But "the gym is like sex" analogy/simile goes deeper...

When Effort Doesn’t Feel Good (Yet)

There are some people who leave the gym without feeling like they got a good workout. They leave feeling like they must have done something wrong because they don’t feel the magical glow everyone talks about so joyfully. They feel confused and maybe a little shamed.

This goes beyond responsive and spontaneous arousal. 

Why is it so easy for some people to be in "the mood"...?

My Story: Movement, Judgment, and Permission

I hated working out as a kid. Competing in sports or being judged in a gym setting, felt horrible. I was active. I loved to run around with my friends, splash in the pool or swim in the ocean for hours, and I loved dancing in my bedroom to my radio, but “working out”, like at a gym? Sweating? Struggling? Red-faced and gasping for breath? That didn’t sound like fun. It sounded awful. No one ever told me my favorite activities were also exercise. 

How We Learn What “Counts”

The human body is designed to move and most of us actually feel good through movement. The kinetic act of walking, for example, relaxes our autonomic nervous system. We are told to exercise to feel better and live healthier lives, but as a fitness profession for over a decade, I know the struggles people face when it comes to working out. 

When we don’t enjoy “exercising”, it’s often because we are trying to replicate what we have seen or been taught is “exercise”. For many years, there has been a narrow definition of how it is supposed to look. Free weights and machines, hours of jogging, aerobics classes, and sports training were your choices. Maybe you could swim laps or take yoga if you needed something more gentle. And if you participated in youth sports and did something to upset your coach, exercise was the “punishment”!

You might be thinking: “Okay Amanda, but what does this have to do with sex?” And also, “Are you trying to trick me into exercising?”

What is the very smallest thing you can do to "get ready"? Both arousal and exercise start with tiny baby steps.

So… What Does This Have to Do With Sex?

Working out or moving your body in the ways you were taught growing up may not feel good to you, and that’s OK. Just like sex, exercise can look vastly different from one person to another.

Reimagining What Pleasure Can Look Like

Opening your mind to what else exists out there might be the key to enjoying it more. Exercise can be anything that moves your body, gets your heart pumping, and quickens your breath. Do you like to dance? Try Zumba, samba classes, or heck, learn some TikTok moves. Do you like to play dungeons and dragons? Get out and go LARPing with wooden swords and staffs, or take up archery. Love animals? Find a farm, stable, or animal shelter to volunteer at. It’s all exercise and if you enjoy it, you’ll want to do more of it.

I’m sharing all this because if you’ve tried to “exercise” and didn’t enjoy it, it doesn’t mean you dislike all movement. It may simply mean you haven’t yet found the movement that feels really good for your body. And this is true for sex as well. Maybe you’ve only ever had sex in a way that felt prescriptive, like lifting weights in the gym because that’s what you thought you had to do. But there are so many ways to be intimate with someone else and by yourself. Sadly, sex ed is deprioritized and most folks only think about sex as PIV intercourse with a brief (or nonexistent) linear set of “foreplay” steps like they see in movies or porn.

There is so much more out there. Relating to a partner or yourself sexually can be anything that feels good (and is consensual). That can range from kink and BDSM, to tantra and energy exchange, to ethical non-monogamy, to sex toys, to simply eye gazing, caressing, and kissing.

A Note on Bodies, Identities, and Inclusion

Finally, I want to mention that not everyone likes moving their bodies and not everyone wants to have sex. I hold space for the fact that I’m talking about typical, able bodies in many of my examples. If you have experienced injury or have an atypical body or nervous system, movement and exercise may not feel good to you. If breathing exercises are as close as you can or want to get to physical exertion, I see you. If you identify as asexual or aromantic, I honor you. Your voice matters and I’m sorry you aren’t usually recognized in spaces of sexual and physical health. Take from this what resonates and leave the rest.

The Real Message: You Don’t Have to Be “In the Mood” First

So here’s a more accurate gym analogy:

You don’t need to walk into a workout already sweating and pumped (but if you do, no shame!). You don’t need to feel excited before you start. You don’t need to love it right away. You begin, and your body meets you along the way.

Maybe your warm-up feels super slow. Maybe you stretch first, maybe you don’t. Maybe you take breaks to admire the view along the way. Maybe you try something that feels playful, or fun, or curious instead of forced. This should feel good!

Arousal is not always the starting point. Often, it’s the result of giving yourself the space, the time, the touch, the breath, the presence to arrive. Your pleasure belongs to you. It deserves exploration, permission, and patience.

You don’t have to force yourself into someone else’s version of intimacy any more than you have to force yourself onto a treadmill you hate. Your sexuality is allowed to be inventive, responsive, gentle, slow-burning, experimental, and/or fiercely passionate. There is no one “right” way to move your body. There is no one “right” way to experience desire. Your job isn’t to perform, it’s to enjoy.

Your job isn’t to match someone else’s rhythm.

Your job is to notice what feels good…

and follow that feeling home.

If this topic resonates and you'd like support exploring what pleasure and desire look like for our body, I offer private coaching for individuals and couples who want to feel more connected and confident in their intimacy. You can learn more or schedule a call here.