Are you frustrated by your own lack of enthusiasm for sex? Do you find yourself looking at other women and think, “I could never be like that”? Do you struggle with feeling sexy when you're with your partner?
Society and our culture present an idea of what it means to be wanted and desired in a sexual way. This is seriously messing with your head! It’s important to be aware of the fallacies in our own mind about what sexiness is if you want to feel it yourself.
Here are 3 reasons you don't feel sexy that have nothing to do with the way you look AND what you can do to overcome these unfortunate and destructive beliefs. The first step to changing is acknowledging the problem. If you want to feel sexier and more confident, you will need to be authentic with yourself and aware when these self defeating beliefs pop up.
1. You Are Doing Everything for Your Partner Without Considering What Turns You On.
“If HE is turned on then I'm turned on” isn’t actually going to go very far. Doing everything for your partner’s pleasure is how women are taught to relate. We feel like if we tell men that sex doesn’t give us as much satisfaction as it does for him, they will think there’s something wrong with us or want to leave us.
We put their egos before our pleasure.
This devalues our self worth. We are subconsciously telling ourselves that we aren’t important. No wonder your confidence is struggling, girl. That kind of perpetual abuse takes a toll on your sexiness. Instead of moaning when you’re engaged in a sex act that isn’t doing it for you, suggest to your partner what you’d really like. If oral sex feels good, ask for that. If you want to stimulate your clit during penetration do it! Use your hands, use a vibrator, ask him to do it, but make sure that you get what YOU want for the experience!
2. You Believe Sexy Women Are Born with “it” and Haven’t Done Work to Achieve Their Sexy Confidence and Image.
That magical air of sexiness and confidence seems to wash over you as they walk by… “I bet she was born like that”, you say. The truth is maybe she was, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t develop and learn tools to embody the same presence and confidence.
The same women that you admire as sexy and confident have learned what works to compel your reaction. You can too! What makes you feel sexy? When are you most confident? Consider how those experiences can be embodied in the moments when you raise your confidence quotient. Standing up straight, breathing deeply, and believing in your self-worth are the first steps in the right direction.
3. Society Has given You Two Options: Madonna or the Whore, and You Believe Those Are Your Only Two Choices.
Girl, there’s so much wrong with the "either/or" mentality. To quote Admiral Achbar, “It’s a trap!” If you try to be chaste and pure, you are essentially saying that your pleasure is worthless [see #1]. But if you value your own enjoyment of sex, you’re deemed a slut. This purity mentality doesn’t exist for men. Why not? Why is your value associated with your sexual experience? Why is it that women who DO have sexual experience are both prized (“Tom is lucky to have a women who *loves* giving oral sex”), and also villainized (“She had it coming, that girl sleeps around”). You have to let go of the notion that sexual purity has any value. As a woman, your value is no more attached to your sexual experience than it is for men. And stop slut shaming other women!
These 3 things can be simple to implement but you have to take action! Sometimes getting advice from a mentor or coach is just what you need to get on track and stay accountable.
If you have been having a difficult time staying consistent in your mindset and find that you keep saying NO to your own needs, I invite you to schedule a coaching call with me! It's FREE and will only take about 20 minutes.
I encourage you to do this now so you can apply the lessons you’ve learned to your relationships and develop better clarity on what you need to feel happy and confident.
XOXO,
Amanda
P.S. Be sure to follow my Facebook, Instagram, and Youtube pages where I share tips on discussing sexual topics with kids, bridging the sexual pleasure gap, and much more!